im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
love being home for thanksgiving just had grandma pick me up from the frat by her house
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
Your cock deserves a montage
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
That hot guy just got to class and he's eating a bagel sandwich. I dunno which I'm more attracted to
Just masturbating and watching Sports Center...is this what it's like to be a guy?!
not ubering you a puppy
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
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