apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
she played "i just wanna get married" by jagged edge while we were having sex. why cant i avoid stage 5 clingers
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
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