My clean wipe streak was ended today by two enchiladas and a can of refried beans. dammit i should have been more cautious. thanks for all ur encouragement and support.
the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
you'd think he'd be slightly more humble with a penis that small
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
i'm trying to figure out what goes best with beef ramen. a 2007 merlot or a 2008 pinot noir? i'm leaning toward the pinot noir.
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
His wife made me pancakes and let me borrow a clean shirt. Should I drop his class or use this to my advantage
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
Yeah I mean once a gun is being waved around, its probably a good time to leave the party
But the music was sooo good
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
