Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
I fucking hate humanity. I met a twenty three year old adult with an aol email account today. I'm not sure how those things are related, but I'm sure they are.
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
Randomize
