I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
you were the other women for BOTH people in the relationship?
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
Randomize
