It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
I froze in his sixty one degree room but i came so hard. Like fucking the eskimo god.
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
