My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
We tried to play doctor all sexually then he was taking down my 'symptoms' I said I needed to puke he thought it was part of the game
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
on a campus of 30,000 people, i should not be able to see every single guy I've ever hooked up with at one party.
Randomize
