I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
K, im just throwing this out there, i am not making out with any of his friends... Especially the cross eyed one.
she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
If a guy called my cleavage "mesmerizing" but is kinda related to me, does it still count?
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
We need to re-create the Get Some Ass Tour 2002.
Um, 2 out of 3 people involved with that particular event are now married, so I don't think that will be happening.
HELLO, they're MARRIED! They need to get some ass more than anyone.
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
