The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
What a dumb baby whore.
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
Come on in and take your pants off
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