like if someone fucked a dictionary but instead of having a penis, it was just one of those leap frog educational toys
I hope to god you are high
She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
I don't want a big night. But I am okay if we wake up in a penthouse at Crown Casino.
Randomize
