I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
E drugging s springing. Ease dnt Kate. To t e. ess e I meant thou.
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
I just pictured my inhibition personified as little pink piggies with wings flying off into the great wide nowhere hahaha
I want your cock.
All we are is dust in the wiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnd
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
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