just checked my call log and realized that we talked for 3 mns. what did i say for that long?
pretty standard. you have fun last night?
apparently....what exactly does 'pretty standard' mean?
typical hot then cold, followed by a death threat.
I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
I found pix on her phone of me passed out and her sticking things up my ass. Its over.
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
I am going as Rudolph for the Christmas Eve furry orgie.
Is Santa taking the sleigh of slutty reindeer around the neighborhood again this year.
Yes. Several neighbors have requested it.
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