The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
I think it really helped to be hungover at accepted students day. it gave me a good feel for how it would be everyday if I go there.
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
Its official, kitchen-couch is my favorite.
You passed out again didn't you?
its likely that this occurred.
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
Randomize
