So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
boobs and vodka. thats all i can remember, finals week needs to stop ending like this..
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
You left your underwear on the fireplace
I got my project done and a booty call in all before 1am. I'm a professional college kid.
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
I'm trying to poop and took acid, this is going to end horrid or wonderful. Oh the amusement park, not the pooping.
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
Randomize
