moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
Just saw a girl in a wheelchair puke then rally. Diversity matters.
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
Randomize
