I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
I didn't ask for a picture of your soft dick.
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
List 10 things your GF won't do for you, and we can work through that list.
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
if you're not jumping for joy when you see penis then you're looking at the wrong ones.
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
Randomize
