I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
He's really hot. I think he's gonna be my reason to shave this winter.
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
Steve just broke his bong and some kid in an american flag bathing suit and no shirt just fell down the stairs. Its dangerous here
Idk. Im in a bed. the walls are wood. There's a deer mount.. im afraid to turn over and see who's next to me but he's violently cuddly.
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
we found her on the beach half naked talking to a palm tree
Which half?
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