Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
she requested me as her brother on facebook.... biggest. letdown. ever.
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
When do you want to get tanked and forget our entire college education?
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
Like when I see him I look straight through his appearance and just envision a big walking penis.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
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