my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
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