You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
P.S. I can't hear my feet
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
I'm gonna take off my shirt and spin it around my head like petey Pablo so u can find us
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
Randomize
