i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
You don't make any sense
TEQUILA
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