those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
he just fluffed my hair and told me I had to dance with him because we were both gingers.
Fly, little bird! Repopulate the ginger race!
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
Randomize
