the beds are so narrow its like a jenga threesome
dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
I feel like I've been drunk all of June. And I am in NO WAY ashamed about it.
just watched my roommates get stoned and jury rig a pulley system to pass the bowl back and forth across the room.
he ate me out like he was chugging a beer.
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
OMG WE ARE UP TO THREE MINORS WORKING HERE. I AM NOT READY FOR THIS MID LIFE CRISIS.
Randomize
