the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
driving around with you guys listening to the beach boys made me very concious of how white you all are.
I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
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