I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
Dude you just kept yelling "She was my first asain!" right in front of her.
you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
no homo or anything but the way you were dancing with that girl gave me a boner
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
I'm thinking I had intended to send you pics cuz I woke up naked
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
Homeboy was juggling while taking bong rips. Of course he got laid.
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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