Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
my penis made a compromise with my morals
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