No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
similar to the time we made up the game of screaming at the top of our lungs any time a guy any of us slept with walked into the party. that went over SO well.
It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
you never know, standards drop, they turn gay, shit happens.
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
Randomize
