he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
he had hair everywhere except his balls
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
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