please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
I don't care if you go out, because at the end of the night I know i'll be the one fucking you.
that was completely unnecessary, true, but unnecessary
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
I just spent 20 mins in the shower washing n rewashing my body to get rid of stripper. I even loofa'd my face.
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
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