it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
I think he'd cut a tree down for me. He's from North Dakota. That's something hot guys do there, right?
You were sitting on the filthy kitchen floor eating a packet of grated cheese, and you were crying because you couldn't find any cheese.. I'd say our party was a success.
don't get you morals all over my torrid fantasties
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
Rebounding with her sister was the best idea i ever had.
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
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