her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
I'm with Tony. He said he volunteers his ball sack for waxing but you will have to wait a few weeks. It is a freshly shaved sack. I guess he thought he was gonna get lucky. Wtf?
Smooth sack
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
woke up in your bed at 6 AM. on my way home I passed Nathan, bloody, barefoot, and still in a toga. He told me he woke up in a ditch then kept repeating "I'm totally bringing this up at meeting tomorrow". I'm proud of your frat today
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
I will warn you that there is a pic of me riding a buffalo....and for the record, I was completely sober!!
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