It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
we do all of our sexting over chat on words with friends, so my boyfriend doesn't know about it when he looks at my texts.
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
Code 10 We gotta leave. Now. I took a dump in the upstairs toilet and its clogged and overflowing, and believe me I don't want to have to explain myself to this frat on parents weekend.
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
Randomize
