if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
Watched a women out our tannin salon literally fight police because she was getting arrested for trying to drunkenly fight the tanning salon owner...we need to step up our day drinking this is shameful.
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
I am confused/concerned about the circumstances that led to your consumption of 3 beta fish last night.
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize
