it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!'
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
Get ready tonight we are going to get drunk and pierce my nipples
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
Randomize
