I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
i have it on good authority that she is not as good at giving head as she claims she is
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
Randomize
