what if I'm pregnant?
smusmorshion
My t9 writes chubies instead of bitches.
either way. win, win.
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
I had this image of some guy in a taco truck down by the IMA accosting you for a peep show.
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
I'm calling it the Friendlationship with Benefits Zone.
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
Lmao. K I'll be 100% honest. I was over at your place like 12 hours ago with your roommate. If I hadn't of been there then I'd take you up on your booty call offer. So. If you're not creeped out another time please?
Randomize
