Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
you might as well be a hobo. you were covered in pee last night hanging out on the stairs drunk.
right. well we all have our lows.
This hot topless Jamaican just ran down the st with me on his back and He was screaming "I be stealing yo white ladies."
I don't know if i should be jealous or worried... or question where you are.
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
He chose me to be his birthday sex..theres a lot of pressure riding on this bang
Randomize
