I wish I could punch you in the face.
It's Friday. Sex?
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
He's so twisted that he's acting out Dragon Ball-Z by himself. The Tanquray and THC combo doesn't play around.
He uses Bing as his search engine...but he's great in bed. So obviously I'm torn.
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
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