people will do anything to get on MTV. like get pregnant.
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
A very small part of me wants you to appreciate me for more than just my breasts. But the rest of me is breasts.
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Randomize
