Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
You're a disgrace to the female race and the love triangle and halloween.
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
I guess I was blacked out I hopped a fence and hugged a cow that night.
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
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