Last night is one of those stories you hear about on 20/20 right after they make a law banning 90% if what I did.
i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
Came so hard when I was riding him that I actually bit some of his chest hair off. He said I was the first girl ever to do THAT.
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
Randomize
