She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
since i'm not going, you must continue my tradition of flashing every person there.
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
Left him blackout in the cab, gave 20$ to the cabbie and said drive until the meter said he wasn't getting a tip.
Bangkok has him now.
Randomize
