Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
I'm getting married
To pizza
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
so i just met a former male stripper who has a lion king tattoo. new BFF? i think yes
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
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