Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
Randomize
