Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
I mean we're not committed. He's my first choice, sort of like miller lite. When I'm at the bar I'm going to order one, but if they don't maybe I'll go for a bud or blue moon. I'm certainly not going to stop drinking
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
YAS. BRING CRAB.
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
Randomize
