I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
I dont know if he should be happy or mad about it but he's too big for a blow job.
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
It's a 2 hour train ride a 7 in the morning, of course we're bringing alcohol
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
Pro: Drunk Portland Strip Club. Con: Monday morning hangover at work. Pro: boobs. Con: Sleep deprivation. The Pro's are winning.
I would agree. Add some coffee to the booze. It will cut down on sleep deprivation.
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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