you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
I just had one of those moments where i was really sad that i'll never get to be asian.
Theres a disney princess moonbounce on karen st. and I'm drinking beer at a little league field. this might end with me in jail.
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
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