I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
Lets play hurricane shelter. And the shelter is my bed, and we forgot our clothes.
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
Randomize
