Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
Got into the physics lab with my student id, hooked up over break when school was closed. I regret no payments for tuition.
And then he told me he just wanted me to hold his cock while we watched tv...
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
