I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
You may now shotgun with the bride
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
Randomize
