I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
never have i ever had a craving for dick this badly
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
Randomize
